When a man plays a woman in a dress, you're halfway there. It's inherently funny. When a woman plays a man, for whatever reason, it's not that instant kind of funny.

Nobody can be exactly like me. Sometimes even I have trouble doing it.

The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it's just sort of a tired feeling.

We are an impossibility in an impossible universe.

Human beings, by changing the inner attitudes of their minds, can change the outer aspects of their lives.

I never met anybody who said when they were a kid, "I wanna grow up and be a critic."

When two men in business always agree, one of them is unnecessary.

Truly great madness cannot be achieved without significant intelligence.

The only kind of dignity which is genuine is that which is not diminished by the indifference of others.

Ours is the age that is proud of machines that think and suspicious of men who try to.

Inside my empty bottle I was constructing a lighthouse while all the others were making ships.

No man remains quite what he was when he recognizes himself.

As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual certainty, and I thirsted for a meaningful vision of human life - so I became a scientist. This is like becoming an archbishop so you can meet girls.

Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.

If Americans ever allow banks to control the issue of their currency, first by inflation and then by deflation, the banks will deprive the people of all property until their children will wake up homeless.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice; In practice, there is.

I have never met a man so ignorant that I couldn't learn something from him.

Never bear more than one trouble at a time. Some people bear three kinds --- all they have had, all they have now, and all they expect to have.

Any fool can make a rule, and any fool will mind it.

I can't bring myself to say, 'Well, I guess I'll be toddling along.' It isn't that I can't toddle. It's just that I can't guess I'll toddle.