Science has proof without any certainty. Creationists have certainty without any proof.

No wise man ever wished to be younger.

I think Superman should go on the Larry King show and announce that he would come back to life if people in all 50 states wanted him to.

Mediocrity is a hand-rail.

I believe in looking reality straight in the eye and denying it.

Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.

I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me.

Sometimes when you look in his eyes you get the feeling that someone else is driving.

Nothing so much prevents our being natural as the desire to seem so.

There is no greater impotence in all the world like knowing you are right and that the wave of the world is wrong, yet the wave crashes upon you.

It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society.

Scoundrels are always sociable.

Against stupidity the gods themselves contend in vain.

Punctuality is the virtue of the bored.

The capacity of human beings to bore one another seems to be vastly greater than that of any other animal.

When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Government is too big and too important to be left to the politicians.

The most overlooked advantage to owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against wacking them around a little.

And remember, no matter where you go, there you are.

He is indebted to his memory for his jests and to his imagination for his facts.