Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.

Anyone nit-picking enough to write a letter of correction to an editor doubtless deserves the error that provoked it.

The road to hell is paved with adverbs.

The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.

America believes in education: the average professor earns more money in a year than a professional athlete earns in a whole week.

Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.

Remember: One lie does not cost you one truth but THE truth.

I'm thirty years old, but I read at the thirty-four-year-old level.

People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up.

Oh, what a tangled web we weave, When first we practice to deceive!

At the age of eleven or thereabouts women acquire a poise and an ability to handle difficult situations which a man, if he is lucky, manages to achieve somewhere in the later seventies.

Everybody hates me because I'm so universally liked.

The great thing about human language is that it prevents us from sticking to the matter at hand.

The greatest of faults, I should say, is to be conscious of none.

Virtue is its own punishment.

Now and then an innocent man is sent to the legislature.

If you're strong enough, there are no precedents.

The love of truth lies at the root of much humor.

When buying and selling are controlled by legislation, the first things to be bought and sold are legislators.

There is no excellent beauty that hath not some strangeness in the proportion.