My favorite animal is steak.

My friend's a Jehovah's Witness. He got all pissed at me because he tried to tell me a knock knock joke and I ignored him.

Cockroaches and socialites are the only things that can stay up all night and eat anything.

A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.

If you can give your son or daughter only one gift, let it be enthusiasm.

One of the keys to happiness is a bad memory.

I don't know why I should have to learn Algebra... I'm never likely to go there.

If you can't convince them, confuse them.

Formula for success: rise early, work hard, strike oil.

The children now love luxury; they have bad manners, contempt for authority; they show disrespect for elders and love chatter in place of exercise. Children are now tyrants, not the servants of their households. They no longer rise when elders enter the room. They contradict their parents, chatter before company, gobble up dainties at the table, cross their legs, and tyrannize their teachers.

Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we'll find it.

Old age is fifteen years older than I am.

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.

I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

The world needs dreamers and the world needs doers. But above all, the world needs dreamers who do.

Advertising may be described as the science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to get money from it.

If I only had a little humility, I'd be perfect.

I have discovered that all human evil comes from this, man's being unable to sit still in a room.