Sometimes the appropriate response to reality is to go insane.

In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on.

The petty economies of the rich are just as amazing as the silly extravagances of the poor.

Special-interest publications should realize that if they are attracting enough advertising and readers to make a profit, the interest is not so special.

The trouble about trying to make yourself stupider than you really are is that you very often succeed.

I've always found paranoia to be a perfectly defensible position.

An honest politician is one who, when he is bought, will stay bought.

An atheist is a man who has no invisible means of support.

It has always been the prerogative of children and half-wits to point out that the emperor has no clothes. But the half-wit remains a half-wit, and the emperor remains an emperor.

No matter how rich you become, how famous or powerful, when you die the size of your funeral will still pretty much depend on the weather.

With Epcot Center the Disney corporation has accomplished something I didn't think possible in today's world. They have created a land of make-believe that's worse than regular life.

There was a time when we expected nothing of our children but obedience, as opposed to the present, when we expect everything of them but obedience.

A stupid man's report of what a clever man says can never be accurate, because he unconsciously translates what he hears into something he can understand.

Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half the time.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

Lawyers, I suppose, were children once.

In the beginning there was nothing. God said, 'Let there be light!' And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better.

In literature as in love, we are astonished at what is chosen by others.

Man forgives woman anything save the wit to outwit him.

The average person thinks he isn't.