An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do.

If everything seems under control, you're not going fast enough.

Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to believe.

The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.

They are ill discoverers that think there is no land, when they can see nothing but sea.

The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people.

There is no moral precept that does not have something inconvenient about it.

There is only one difference between a madman and me. I am not mad.

Artificial Intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian.

There are two things that will be believed of any man whatsoever, and one of them is that he has taken to drink.

I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it.

It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like.

There is nobody so irritating as somebody with less intelligence and more sense than we have.

We were happily married for eight months. Unfortunately, we were married for four and a half years.

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.

I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake--which I also keep handy.

I know who I am. No one else knows who I am. If I was a giraffe, and someone said I was a snake, I'd think, no, actually I'm a giraffe.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right place but to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

Trying to determine what is going on in the world by reading newspapers is like trying to tell the time by watching the second hand of a clock.