To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk.

If your parents never had children, chances are you won't, either.

The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you've got it made.

Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?

Familiarity breeds contempt - and children.

Nothing is more admirable than the fortitude with which millionaires tolerate the disadvantages of their wealth.

They used to photograph Shirley Temple through gauze. They should photograph me through linoleum.

Drama is life with the dull bits cut out.

Art is science made clear.

Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.

Abortion is advocated only by persons who have themselves been born.

I have too much respect for the idea of God to make it responsible for such an absurd world.

I get a lot of cracks about my hair, mostly from men who don't have any.

Sometimes the mind, for reasons we don't necessarily understand, just decides to go to the store for a quart of milk.

What is written without effort is in general read without pleasure.

Art is making something out of nothing and selling it.

The only thing that sustains one through life is the consciousness of the immense inferiority of everybody else, and this is a feeling that I have always cultivated.

A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.

No good deed goes unpunished.

One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.