I am always doing that which I can not do, in order that I may learn how to do it.

Bureaucrats write memoranda both because they appear to be busy when they are writing and because the memos, once written, immediately become proof that they were busy.

We p!ss anywhere, man

Reading is to the mind what exercise is to the body.

The word 'politics' is derived from the word 'poly', meaning 'many', and the word 'ticks', meaning 'blood sucking parasites'.

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true.

I know a lot about cars. I can look at a car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

I shot an arrow into the air, and it stuck.

Life is a sexually transmitted disease.

The great enemy of clear language is insincerity. When there is a gap between one's real and one's declared aims, one turns as it were instinctively to long words and exhausted idioms, like a cuttlefish spurting out ink.

Most people would rather be certain they're miserable than risk being happy.

Men never do evil so completely and cheerfully as when they do it from a religious conviction.

Acting is not being emotional, but being able to express emotion.

The man of knowledge must be able not only to love his enemies but also to hate his friends.

In science, 'fact' can only mean 'confirmed to such a degree that it would be perverse to withhold provisional assent.' I suppose that apples might start to rise tomorrow, but the possibility does not merit equal time in physics classrooms.

Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum (I think that I think, therefore I think that I am.)

Cynically speaking, one could say that it is true to life to be cynical about it.

The only reason for being a professional writer is that you can't help it.

Wars teach us not to love our enemies, but to hate our allies.

Learning to dislike children at an early age saves a lot of expense and aggravation later in life.