At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.

There is no passion like that of a functionary for his function.

The world is round; it has no point.

The cat could very well be man's best friend but would never stoop to admitting it.

The gods too are fond of a joke.

Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand

Without the aid of prejudice and custom I should not be able to find my way across the room.

You get fifteen democrats in a room, and you get twenty opinions.

I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time.

The most perfidious way of harming a cause consists of defending it deliberately with faulty arguments.

None but a coward dares to boast that he has never known fear.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.

If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error.

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

Facts are the enemy of truth.

The Romans would never have found time to conquer the world if they had been obliged first to learn Latin.

For the skeptic there remains only one consolation: if there should be such a thing as superhuman law it is administered with subhuman inefficiency.

And that's the world in a nutshell, an appropriate receptacle.

For most of history, Anonymous was a woman.