If you don't know what to do, call the media and at least give the appearance of doing something.

A friend is someone who will help you move. A real friend is someone who will help you move a body.

The best defense against the atom bomb is not to be there when it goes off.

In a real dark night of the soul it is always three o'clock in the morning, day after day.

Machines take me by surprise with great frequency.

The real hero is always a hero by mistake; he dreams of being an honest coward like everybody else.

Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself.

Give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day. Give a fish a man, and he'll eat for weeks!

Things are more like they are now than they have ever been.

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.

Famous remarks are very seldom quoted correctly.

Have you ever observed that we pay much more attention to a wise passage when it is quoted than when we read it in the original author?

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

I do not take a single newspaper, nor read one a month, and I feel myself infinitely the happier for it.

In Mexico we have a word for sushi: Bait.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

Fortune can, for her pleasure, fools advance - And toss them on the wheels of Chance.

You can't find any true closeness in Hollywood, because everybody does the fake closeness so well.

We're not lost. We're locationally challenged.

I am certain there is too much certainty in the world.