Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day.

The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in the morning feeling just plain terrible.

Nothing succeeds like the appearance of success.

Stray dogs that live on the highway walk on three legs - They move along too slow to get the message...

First love is a kind of vaccination which saves a man from catching the complaint a second time.

The human mind treats a new idea the same way the body treats a strange protein; it rejects it.

Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality.

You say you got a real solution? Well you know, we'd all love to see the plan...

I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've traveled to. But first, I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down.

Look for the ridiculous in everything and you will find it.

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

Education is what survives when what has been learned has been forgotten.

Society, my dear, is like salt water, good to swim in but hard to swallow.

The town where I grew up has a zip code of E-I-E-I-O.

It is better for civilization to be going down the drain than to be coming up it.

Late to bed and late to wake will keep you long on money and short on mistakes.

The best doctor in the world is the veterinarian. He can't ask his patients what is the matter-he's got to just know.

A life of pleasure makes even the strongest mind frivolous at last.

Red meat is NOT bad for you. Now blue-green meat, THAT'S bad for you!

Men live in a fantasy world. I know this because I am one, and I actually receive my mail there.