Thomas Jefferson once said, 'We should never judge a president by his age, only by his works.' And ever since he told me that, I stopped worrying.

'Who are you and how did you get in here?' ... 'I'm a locksmith. And, I'm a locksmith.'

If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive.

The main dangers in this life are the people who want to change everything - or nothing.

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.

Happiness makes up in height for what it lacks in length.

An intellectual snob is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture and not think of The Lone Ranger.

A liberal is a person whose interests aren't at stake at the moment.

A neurosis is a secret that you don't know you are keeping.

No human thing is of serious importance.

Nothing is more conducive to peace of mind than not having any opinions at all.

It's a dangerous business going out your front door.

The point of philosophy is to start with something so simple as not to seem worth stating, and to end with something so paradoxical that no one will believe it.

You couldn't even prove the White House staff sane beyond a reasonable doubt.

Don't you wish there were a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence? There's one marked 'Brightness,' but it doesn't work.

The things we know best are the things we haven't been taught.

The most erroneous stories are those we think we know best - and therefore never scrutinize or question.

No.

When a distinguished but elderly scientist states that something is possible, he is almost certainly right. When he states that something is impossible, he is very probably wrong.

If only we'd stop trying to be happy we could have a pretty good time.